Dealer’s Choice
September 18, 2007 by Shirley Allard
The blinding sun arrives to paint the dawn
With red and yellow strokes against the sky
The frost has melted on the dormant lawn
Reminding me of stars that grace your eyes
The worms retreat as robins disappear
Their daily song a now nostalgic tune
Escaping to a fruitful atmosphere
Where days are long and daffodils still bloom
Our hearts will hold the sunshine deep within
Until the ice and snow begin to melt
The robins will return and once again
We’ll ante up and play the hand we’re dealt.
I really like the first three lines, they are quite well written and paint a nice picture. The fourth line seems, to me, a little sentimental. The fourth line might be better phrased “The robins retreat as worms disappear” since, logically, I would think it would happen in that order. Line seven is vague and you might consider rewriting it. Same with line nine. The next two lines are good but the last seems to come out of no where and the image of the cards seems completely unrelated to the rest of the poem. You know that you only have two more lines to make this a sonnet right? A couplet is all you need to have it. Revise this, it has a lot of potential. Some of the phrases are very well crafted. Keep writing!
Excuse me, I meant the fifth line might be better phrased…
I have linked you, keep up the good work!
sorry for the multiple comments but something just occurred to me, sneak the cards in there somewhere near the top and then you can use it at the end effectively. Keep writing!
Thank you for the link. I have taken your advice and written a revised version. I appreciate your input! It’s doubtful I will stop writing…I can’t not write! Thanks again.
Shirley, I just love the meter of this piece. You’re a natural for this style… it flows like water. Beautiful…